I belong nowhere

I think the whole dynamic of friendship is so weird. Because it controls you more than you want to admit. One small thing, one ignored message, one weird interaction, and suddenly it can seem like your whole world falls apart. Similar to when you get stung by a bee, the throbbing painful feeling that is sunken into you. And the worst part is, it’s not even about having a lot of friends. It’s about feeling like you belong somewhere. And I don’t. 

It feels like I’m always there, but never really really there if that makes any sense. Like I can sit with people, laugh with them, talk to them, but still feel completely out of place at the same time. Like I’m just filling space. The definition of replaceable. And when I don’t contribute to anything I'm worn out, old, wanting to be swapped out for something new, better.  

No matter what I do, I can’t find something that feels stable. Not one friendship where I don’t have to question things. Not one person who makes it clear that I matter to them without me having to overthink every little detail. When it comes to friendship, nothing is as simple as it seems, always wondering if they like me or if I should just leave. 

And yeah, I have myself. I tell myself that should be enough. But no one talks about how exhausting that gets. Being your own everything. Your own support system. Your own distraction. Your own comfort. It sounds strong, but it doesn’t feel strong. It feels lonely. People say “learn to be alone,” like it’s some kind of solution. But being alone when you feel like you don’t belong anywhere is different. It’s heavier. It’s sitting there and realizing there’s nowhere you naturally fit. No group that feels like yours. No person that feels like home. And this is coming from a person that loves to be alone. After a while it gets tiring, and I just want someone to reach out. 

And it starts to show in ways you can’t ignore. You feel tired all the time. You don’t have energy for anything. You lose motivation. You stop caring about things you used to care about because… what’s the point? There’s no one to share it with anyway. No one cares what I have to say. So what am I supposed to do? Force myself into spaces where I’m clearly not wanted? Stay quiet so I don’t annoy anyone? Act like I don’t notice when I’m the only one not included? Every plan I hear is made in front of my face but never included. Every message that gets ignored. Every moment where I realize I wasn’t even considered. I’m not good enough.

And then you start turning it on yourself. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m too much, or not enough. Maybe there’s something wrong with me that everyone else can see but I can’t. Because how do you explain feeling out of place everywhere you go? And the hardest part is how much control it has over me. I hate that my mood depends on how people treat me. I hate that I can’t just not care. I hate that I notice everything. And I try so hard not to care, and ignore it. 

But I do.

Putting up an act, pretending you don’t notice others having different plans. Or seeing it on social media and pretending it doesn’t affect you. And feeling so bad you're not included, but also knowing if they ever ended up inviting you, you would cancel any other plans and be there in a heartbeat. And all I really want isn’t a big group or a million friends. It’s just one place. One person. One space where I don’t feel like I have to try so hard to be accepted. Because friendship shouldn’t be so hard, I wish it wasn’t so complicated. 

Being alone isn’t the worst feeling.Feeling like you don’t belong anywhere is.