What will people think about ME

Opinions had dictated my entire life. Even since I was a kid everyone’s opinion mattered. They had a say in what I wore, how I saw myself physically and mentally, what I ate, essentially my whole lifestyle. Whatever I did, every action, sport, things I posted, what I said, they all had a meaning, and a lot of thought went through it. And this is how I saw everyone from my perspective, people judging you, everything mattered, trying to be perfect, because if I didn’t think like this and correct myself, what would people think of me? It always felt like I had to put on a mask for everyone. I cared so much about how I look to someone, that I needed to change everything about myself. Like pretending to share the same interests as everyone, a sport, trying to be the best, get the grades, have the dream body, be the top in everything. 

The thoughts that keep me awake at night are filled with questions asking how can I get people to like me? How can I be like her? How can I be the best at everything? Also valid, because who wouldn’t want this. Everyone wants to be liked or be good at something, it is just how society as a whole works, and enjoying life. But I found the questions floating in my head more and more often, and they came with a weight. At first it felt like the same pebbles I would feel now and then but the  more I thought about them, they turned into stones, which turned eventually into boulders. The pressure from me, my parents, friends, teachers, coaches. And they all had their individual questions, how can I be a better daughter, better grades, do my friends even like me, am I even good at this sport, why do I look like this? I had a responsibility to everyone and it seemed like no matter what I did there was always something to do better and I needed to keep pushing myself harder.

Until one realization hit me, maybe it's not possible. At the end of the day I realized the question was never what will anyone think of me, it was always how can I feel my best. How can I make other people feel good, what do I like to do, how can I make myself the happiest I am but still maintain the balance with everything else. And I needed to find that. I changed my friends, no longer need to wear a mask in front of them. I can be myself. Try something new, maybe the sport isn’t for you. Eat the food to give your body nutrients, not so you can please others on how you look. If you’re unhappy, switch up your lifestyle. Life wasn’t meant to be lived perfectly. There are flaws, mistakes that you will learn on the way, life was meant to be lived. Feel your best, surround yourself with the people that bring you up, the things you love, enjoy anything that makes you happy. I learned to be at peace with myself and that mistakes happen, it is just a part of the messiness of life. And it is important to note that you only live once, and make it count for yourself. Always remember the only opinion that truly matters is yourself. And that is the rule I live by myself, happiness, growth and fulfillment, aren’t dictated by others decisions, but they are made by the choices you make, the life you live, and the person you are.