Worst kind of lonely.

Here I am again, same time of the week, same position, same shitty feeling. And what bothers me is they never seem to notice. I am never invited to any of the weekend plans. I always find myself in the same situation every weekend. Alone in my room, scrolling on social media, watching all my friends hangout without me. And I can’t help myself but to just cry. 

But whatever it is I try to ignore the feeling, making up stories in my mind finding excuses that my friends like me, or they just hate me and don’t want to be around me, I can’t figure out which one it is. “The Floater Friend”. That's that title I gave myself. The girl who has friends and looks happy on the outside but in reality just putting on a show to make it through the day. 

It's a pretty awful feeling when you realize you have no real friends but yourself. Come up with excuses all you want but it will never take away the feeling of not being wanted. 

Getting left out is one of the worst feelings in the world and I don’t think I have realized that until it started happening to me. As I sit in my room alone crying at night I can’t help but feel horrible for the friends that I have left out. Because what goes around comes around, and it just comes back hitting harder than ever. So perspectives have changed for myself. Suddenly I’m the girl being left out with no friends. 

And I think if the tables were turned, I would invite everyone. Or so I think. Maybe I would be so blinded and caught up in the moment and forget that there are other people feeling this way, unaware of the damage they are doing to a person. But that is just the excuse I make for them. 

“You can come next time”, “We didn’t know you felt like this”, “You should have told us”. All the responses I get from my so-called “friends”. I want to leave them. I want to build new relationships. But it is so hard to start from scratch. And if I do it's just another uncomfortable period of time I will truly have no friends, and it will only feel worse. 

All I want is to be included and have true real friends that hangout with me, call me, add me to group chats. And if you have that I envy you. Because it is so taken for granted to have people that actually care for you. And I will probably look back on this post after I see people at school and think I will be silly to write this and I’m being dramatic because I love my friends. Until I get left out again and realize I was right all along. 

But if you are reading this and relate to it in any way, just know that you are not alone. I hope it gives you comfort that you are not the only one going through this. It happens to the best of us and all we can do is move on. I can’t change my friend's opinion to include me. But don’t lose hope. I will find my people eventually. Where it is tomorrow or in 10 years, it will get better. This is just a rough patch. Even though it seems like it's never gonna end, we will get past this, it all just feels like crap.